As I go through very old paintings and drawings while on lockdown, I’ve been reminded of how long I’ve been consumed by emotional and mental turmoil.
This painting is an old one, like 27 years old. And the fact that I can still relate to it, is a little scary and a little comforting. I felt broken and chipped and so flawed, still do more often than I wish was true. I like the symbolism in this piece, how my shadows are pointed towards the ocean.
This sort of feeling was running deep this past week. In addition to my daughter being in the hospital, I woke up on Sunday night in sweats. I went downstairs to sleep it off and was shivering and my teeth were chattering. My heart was pounding and my pulse was almost double what it usually is and my breathing felt constricted.
Of course, my mind went to the worst places and played out every scenario. None of them looked great. I felt like I had a fever but the thermometer said otherwise… 98.6….
The next day my daughter and I were in bed the whole day. I felt doomed. By yesterday, I felt almost back to myself again. I think at least part of it, was a severe panic attack (again). Maybe mixed with allergies…I don’t know.
Just super grateful to feel ok today and to know my daughter is healing at the hospital now from a tonsil infection.
Be kind to yourself and others and have patience with the whirlwind of emotions we all have.
And if you want to cry, do it.
Love to you all.
Jay
